Resilience, A Coveted Trait

Resilience is the psychological strength that allows some people to adapt, thrive and return to their baseline faster after adverse experiences happen.  Dealing with change, setbacks, loss and grief is an inevitable and normal part of life.

I like to think of myself as resilient.  Truth be told, there are parts of my life that need more resiliency. When those parts are leading, resilience for me is a coveted trait.

Often, behavior is an outward showing of your inward self. I believe resilience shows itself in a person’s response to their life.

Francine Ward said, some people think “Behavior does not define a person. But I ask, if not your actions then what defines who you are?  If a person cannot be judged by how they behave, how they show up in the world, then how else should we judge them?”  She continues, “We judge ourselves by our intentions, but the world judges us by our actions. What we do with our intentions is what counts.”

To witness resilience in someone is an enlightening experience. Over the past five years I saw resilience in my best friend.  Her employer of 30 years took his own life. This followed by the executor of the estate shocked all and closed the business. Creatively, she employed herself the past few years helping their largest account transition.  Simultaneously, she was grateful to take a facilities position brought to her by a friend. Her sister then had a medical calamity preventing her from returning to her home.  At the same time, she started a new business.  This was a time of intense anxiety and decision making. The last ten months of it during a pandemic, trying to stay safe and being smart.   After all, people depended on her.

Certain people are in our lives to teach us.  They model how to behave within situations that rip open their souls and seem endless. These people, like my friend live in a resilient way.  It is through her example that I began to study resiliency.

I watched her through hardships always trying to do the right actions even if she didn’t always feel them. Though shocked when her employer took his life, she transitioned the client and did it through backbreaking hard work and goodwill.

My friend and her sister were not close.  Yet when her sister abruptly was in dire need she stepped up and took the necessary actions to provide for her care.  All but one of her sister’s friends disappeared.   The situation has eaten two years of her life both mentality and physically. Taking care of the material aspects of another adult person’s life is difficult to say the least.  Life has a way of showing up even if it’s not in your plan.

Her name tag could say “Resilient.” She took classes to become certified for the new business.  She developed relationships with people: doctors, caregivers, ACE hardware employees, storage facility people, real estate agents and most specifically the neighbors of her sister.  She did it one act at a time.  If she was cutting the grass, or edged her sister’s yard, she would cut and edge a little of the neighbors. If they wanted an item from the house, she would give it to them.  She would sincerely compliment people and thank them for their help. The last ten months she did most of this work alone, wearing masks and gloves during a pandemic in a town where PPE is not the norm.

This is resilience. Making the best of difficult, raw and painful situations. Creating a mindset of “I can do this” with as positive an attitude one can muster.  This truly echoes what most of us know from the childhood story, “The Little Engine That Could”.

The response to resilience when recognized is a beautiful thing.  Thanksgiving Day my friend was cleaning out her sister’s house, the neighbor, Brandi, showed up with her daughter and a full plate of turkey, dressing the works. She said, “this is for you.”  Later another neighbor yelled across the creek, “I am going to bring you a plate.”  The most galvanizing was in the final hours of the exhaustive move when it seemed impossible to finish, Brandi came over and said, “you need me, I am good at packing”.  All I can say is it was like a reality TV show.  Brandi took over. She had her family come to physically move everything to the truck.  Next, she followed the U-Haul to the storage space an hour away at 10:00 p.m. with two of her teenage children, to unpack it.  She then followed my friend to return the U-Haul and get back to her vehicle, finally to drive home at 1:00 am.  

It literally makes me cry when people treat each other with this level of kindness.  When they recognize need and without thought of self, come to someone’s aid. When resilience was fading from my friend, Brandi’s was just starting.  The outcome was exceptional and bonding.

I would suggest, when a person models’ resilience it encourages others to do the same.  Even if they are not so inclined. My question is, when people bear witness to resilient behavior does the example motivate them to do the same?  I think it does.

Much of what I know about resilience was through watching my friend be resilient.  I am always learning.   

Until we meet again,

Be safe and be well. 

Jan

“I crave the ones who’ve seen confusion and known struggle, who have pulled themselves up from the shackles of heartache and strife, disappointment and darkness, exhaustion and drain and have risen with a heart as open and unwaveringly wide, as the ocean itself.  Give me those people.  The brave, the vulnerable, the wise, the ones who care for a world, and how to better it along with themselves. To know their ability in making waves, in shifting patterns with tides and in creating change.  Let us become that open ocean.  And make it rise.”

-Victoria Erickson